Not sure where I read it, it was sometime last week. The author of an article was saying that very often when something stops us, we can view it as an obstacle or use it as an excuse. When you can't do what you want to do because of something getting in the way, do you keep looking for creative ways to go around it (in this case it's an obstacle) or do you let it stop you and give up (in this case it's an excuse)? 
It made me thinking. For so long I wanted to decide what specifically I want to do with my coaching business: who is my target client that I would be inspired to coach, what are the services/packages I want to offer etc... And not having that clarity I didn't do much (up until now) to develop it as a business. Did I do coaching and have clients? Sure I did. I just didn't have a solid business goal of what I am building and didn't do much to attract those clients. So as for obstacles and excuses I had a really good reason not to fully commit to coaching and developing my business: I don't have that clarity, and I need it to start, so I am not going to fully commit until I get that clarity. But when I asked myself today: having that lack of clarity in the way, did I let it stop me or did I look for ways to get through that? And I realized I was in and out. Sometimes I seek out coaching, do brainstorming etc., and sometimes I just focused on other things in my life, and at other times I just pushed too hard working to get that clarity and just got myself frustrated. My commitment in getting through this lack of clarity to the other side wasn't consistent. So I didn't have consistent business results (consistent clients and flow of new clients). 
So the question is: how do I create that clarity, that inspiring vision for my business and what I want to create in the world and for myself through that while doing it in the flow with ease? Good question :) I don't have a solid answer yet. You would think a coach should know it right? Wrong :) Bad news: I can't coach myself. Good news: I have lots of coach friends. So... Tomorrow I have an early brainstorming session, then I am off for three days and nights of dancing at SF kizomba festival (time off from thinking about my goals). Starting Monday I will reach out to more friends and coaches for brainstorming, strategizing and coaching. I also committed a few days a go to at least 1 minute meditation every day (thanks to my friend Michael for nudging me!). I am open to any and all ways to create that clarity. If you have any idea or support you'd like to offer me in this exploration, give me feedback or brainstorm with me, feel free to reach out!
Speaking of commitment, also in the past I realized that the only time I didn't achieved an intention of mine was when I didn't commit to it with a timeline. So here it is: my intention and commitment is to define my target client and my service offerings by Dec 1 with ease and flow so that after that I will have no more excuses to procrastinate. 1 month commitments is how I changed my last two jobs and transitioned to a part time remote consulting. Now a little more than a month is a good duration for me to create my next professional outlet. A little scary but that just means I am on the right track of expanding myself and my comfort zone. Part of me is scared that what if I put it out here I still don't reach it by December 1? And that thought signals me my intention is not 100% at the moment (otherwise why would I doubt). Plus this will be a good accountability for me! 
I will keep you updated on my explorations goes!

Today I've taken the bull by the horn. While I committed not to do anything to force clarity about my life plans, there was still some worry, thoughts and feelings that I felt somewhat dis-empowered by. I decided to walk my talk and do what work best in such cases: run a few Harmony Integration processes to bust through all the things, thoughts and negative charges that have been stirred up by not having a job starting December 1.

I have reached out to our harmony Integration coach community and asked if someone can guide me through some processes (I go much deeper that way then when i run it on myself). I did two processes:
1. End of words, highlighting what's good about that and what's bad about that and bringing it into balance.
2. Gnostic Intensive, the process designed to have a direct experience of who you truly are.

End of Words brought me to this balances place, that I really saw all the good and bad sides of it and arrived in the balanced middle where it's all neutral and all the charge was gone. Gnostic Intensive however blew my mind.

I have had Gnostic Intensive run on me a few times before, and I always had resistances coming up and I never got to the direct experience. After couple times I felt very frustrated, started thinking my old thoughts "what's wrong with me" or "why things work for everyone but me" and was hesitant to do it again.

Today was different. Maybe because I was exhausted of thinking and my brain was shut down and got out of the way, but I got to this very interesting deep space that I have never been to before. 

Here is what opened up for me when I was in that state and my coach asked me a question "Who Are You?":

1. I am anything and everything. I am like the drop in the ocean. Esoteric, I know, but this time it wasn't an idea or a thought, I felt it!
   
2. I am the space of pure possibility. I create myself every day and every moment. I literally saw how I create everything (my thoughts, feelings, things around me etc.) at each moment and each day. 
   
3. Every moment is a new moment of creation. I can create every moment from a fresh slate. The only reason today is the same as yesterday is because I chose it today again. I don't need to change anything, I can just create the new day and new moment the way I want to.
   
4. I create what I put my energy on. It's like in quantum physics particles are space of potential and only become matter when we put our attention on them. So I saw so clearly that I don't need to fight the moment, I can just create a new moment the way I want by focusing on what I want and taking the attention away from what I don't want.
   
5. The pressure I am putting on myself is unnecessary. And I create that by my choice. Just pure awareness of it dissipated it, it's gone. Feels good!

I probably knew all this before intellectually. It's not something new. The difference was that this time I experienced it. I felt it, I saw it and my level of awareness of myself jumped couple levels. It went from intellectual idea to a knowing.

I feel very peaceful and grounded. 
 
Actions I am taking TODAY to live this awareness:

1. Write this blog post to write this down and share it. Done :)
   
2. Watch my thoughts and where I put my focus and be present to what I am creating each moment.
   
3. Celebrate my breakthrough!
   
4. Just be and enjoy life.
   

A few days ago I got news from my boss that starting December 1 I will need to look for a new position. Layoffs. I can get back if I want to March 1, but between December 1 and March 1 I get to figure something out.

Surprisingly enough when I heard it I felt mostly excited and happy, a little worried and not at all upset. I felt I was ready for something new and sometimes I need a kick in the butt to move forward when my life if too comfortable. When I went on my vacation to Mexico couple weeks ago I set the intention to finish a chapter in my life so when I get back into my life I will start a new one, and everything that doesn't serve me in my life has to go to create space for what is best aligned with me. Well, I didn't realize job might be one of that. Be careful what they ask for :)

So since Monday I got through an interesting journey. I 100% believe that I totally manifested it and it will be good for me. First I felt excited and open to what's next. And when I did that all sorts of creative ideas started to flow towards me about different opportunities and directions I can take. Then I thought I need to do something to figure out what I want to do. I have lots of ideas of what I might be doing, but I need to settle on which ones I will actually commit to and take action on. It didn't take me long to go into the "doing" mode thinking I need to do something to figure out right now what the plan is etc. I put a lot of pressure on myself and started feeling very tense and unhappy and afraid of what if I won't be able to figure it out..
Tonight luckily talking with my best friend Demola I remembered a few things that helped me get back on track:

1. Get happy first. Problems cannot be solved by focusing on problems. I need to get myself to my vortex (how Abraham Hicks describes it), to my happy place, and then when everything in the flow, the chances on getting what I want (in this case clarity) are much higher.
   
2. What you focus on you get more of. Hence focus on what you want vs what you don't want. I didn't realize right away when I slipped from being excited about the change to being frustrated that I don't have all the answers now. Time to get back on track and water the plants I want to grow, on the exciting new phase and what will be the possibilities that will bring me joy.
   
3. Sometimes doing is actually counter productive. Especially when it comes from a place of resistance. I don't always need to do something to get what I want, sometimes I can just sit back, relax and let the universe bring it or reveal it to me. Clarity and creativity cannot be forced, it's best to be invited like a guest with no pressure.
   
4. Drop the importance and attachment. When I put too much importance on something, it blocks the flow. Taking the pressure off allows it to flow again.
5. Trust. Remember it's all for the better and I will figure out what's best for me in its due timing. It does not have to be yesterday.

So I decided to try an experiment: between now and the end of Sunday my main focus is to be happy and be in the flow and to not do anything specific to get clear or come up with the plan and see what happens. Will share the results after the week is over. :) 

Celebrating the start of a new phase in my life!