Searching for Purpose

Have you ever been in a place that you want to figure out what you want to do next in life and feeling frustrated that no matter what you do you can't see it? When you have this feeling that you want to do something meaningful and maybe knowing the general direction, but not clear on the details and being stuck in that place for a while? 

Well, on and off I've been in this place for the last 5 years. I got glimpses of what I want, but never the full picture. And every time periods of clarity were followed by the periods of disillusionment and back to now knowing.. Once I figure out what i want, it's usually pretty easy for me to get it, but it's that phase of figuring it out that has been the most challenging for me.

And now, about a month since my last job, my over-inflated desire to know what's next and not having that clarity created a big discomfort. I noticed that I was in this loop of resisting this "not knowing" state that I was in and so being stuck in it. Remember the old saying "what you resist persist"? Well, me as a life coach and knowing it very well, I was in double resistant: feeling resistance, and than feeling bad about having the resistance. 

After I got back to Seattle on Wed, I decided to try an experiment: only focus on and do the things that feel excited to me. Listening to Bashar on the drive reminded me that excitement is what shows us what is ours to do and if we just follow it to the best of our ability in small things and big things, it will lead to the path that brings fulfillment and satisfaction as it will be our unique path.

Yesterday I got glimpses of what I might be interested in: helping entrepreneurs move on the dreams and projects where they know what they need to do but not doing it. I even drafted a questionnaire that they would fill before having a strategic session with me and drafted the outline of the program, and after showing it to a friend and getting some feedback from him, where in an intent of helping me to make it better he mostly focused on what needs to change or isn't clear, I noticed the feelings of deflation, like nothing I am doing is good enough, and wanting to give up coming up. I didn't let them take over, but my energy and excitement went down for a bit.

Today reading "Reality Transurfing" book reminded me that if we are dissatisfied with something, we are transported tot he life tracks where we just get more things to be dissatisfied with and it's not the place at all where satisfaction or clarity might be available. He wrote: "“The more you want, the less you’ll get.” When you want something so much that you are ready to risk everything you have in order to get it, you are creating a huge excess potential, which upsets the balance. The balancing forces will throw you onto a life track where the desired object doesn’t exist at all."

I know two ways to dissolve this excess potential when simply lowering importance is not easy: to find the good in where I am at right now and accept it, and to take some action.

So I decided to do two things: write about "what's good about it" and to walk my talk and reach our to my Harmony Integration coaching community with the request for a 5 session journey to tackle this resistance and create a space for clarity once and for all. The request for coaching has already been granted, we start next week. And here are my thoughts on why this is perfect that I don't have this clarity right now and struggling about this:

• Not knowing what I want has been my biggest struggle throughout my life. And I know many people have it. So now I have a chance to do my inner and outer work, discover what it is and then I will be able to help others do the same.
  
• now knowing what it is right now gives me the motivation to dig deep into myself to connect to what's truly important
  
• now is the perfect time to have this burning desire and clarity as I don't have a job and have all the time I need to focus on this discovery
  
• I have the best tools I've ever had to tackle any "problems", now it's time to prove to myself and others that they may be applied to this situation as well
• I have the community of coaches and friends who can support me
  
• I realized I am responsible for creating this clarity, and if I am committed, I will figure it out. And if I don't know how, it's up to me to take action and reach out for support  
• it's a great reminder how positive thinking and finding good in everything and trusting that everything is perfect even when it doesn't look that way is a daily practice and I get to be present to it every day
• We all have blind spots, and seeing myself dropping into the negative perspective and resistance after years of practicing the positive responsible perspective gives me more compassion for other people
• this gives me the opportunity to practice loving and accepting myself unconditionally, when I catch myself in self-judgement
• feeling not clear on my direction, I can finally be in a relationship with a man who got a stronger sense of direction in life than me, so he can be more masculine, and this is what I wanted for a long time
• the fact that I tried a lot by myself without creating a desired outcome of clarity gives me the opportunity to reach out for support and let go of the habit of doing everything myself
• this allows me to practice authenticity: can I allow myself to feel lost and show myself that way to people instead of the need to always appear all together
• this gives me the opportunity to practice following my excitement every day and discover more of my passions and joys
• following my excitement lead to enjoying life more and having fun rather than always wanting to be productive
• through following my excitement I discovered the joy in cooking (that I haven't really experienced before), especially when it's cooking more than just for myself
• focusing on following my excitement has me question automatic things I do every day and bring more awareness to what actually brings me joy

Next steps: working with my coach, and enjoying life and following my excitement. 

Off to some kizomba dancing tonight.